Journey to the end of autumn term.

WENT OUT TODAY TO SEND FAZLEEN TO THE TRAIN STATION AND ON MY WAY BACK ADA LIGHT SNOWWWW!! HOW AWESOME IS THAT? SAJUK BANGETTT SIHHH! HEHEEEEEE....

Finally it's the end of term. :)

Going through the last four month, definitely wasn't easy at all! The first two months were hell for me. Not only I have to fight with my crazy fluctuating emotions but also coping with the workload of being an U6. But overall it has been a great term.

Last wednesday had my interview in Birmingham. Everything went brilliantly well. Now I am hoping for them to give me an offer. I was the only international student being interviewed on that day. :P Six hours shopping at Bullring was definitely AWESOME! HAHA!

But then on the very next day, I had to sit for an S2 mock exam which was kind of crappy.

Anywayssss...

I just had a very awesome end of term party as usual Mme Sillah's pancake was the best! Beat my old record. I ate 6 this time round! :D

What else to say.. Oh christmas dinner was a bit dull but I guess I was excited for the dressing up bit. Definitely enjoying myself. HAHA!

Fazleen was my twin for the night! :P Notice anything similar?

So what to look for this christmas?

-spending time with them girls and people. :)

-definitely the snow! which is due on thursday!

-christmas wonderland! Hyde park!

-REVISION OVERLOAD!

Approximately two weeks after the school reopens I'll be sitting for my january modules.

Five modules cramped up in three days! Wish me luck guys!

I'll soon be updating you guys, I kinda have a blogger mind block atm so I don't really know what I'm typing. LOL!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i miss you! i've got a christmas present for you but i don't know who to give it to, i'd love to mail it but i'm pretty sure you're not gonna be there for christmas. sigh.

Twitter.

I've got a new twitter cause apparently I got blocked from my old one. HAHA!

I died of not twitting but now I got reincarnated. 

Follow me guys : MsIsmail 

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i am so not the happiest person alive right now but i'm trying to hang on! 

Psychiatrist.

I'd say, do what's necessary.  :) 

"Thirty healthy psychiatrists and clinical psychologists took paroxetine 20mg per day, or placebo pills, for 4 weeks.Paroxetine (Paxil, Seroxat) is a popular SSRI antidepressant - popular with doctors, at least. It has a bad reputation amongst users as causing serious withdrawl symptoms, even compared to other SSRIs. These psychiatrists decided to wean themselves off with a week at a reduced dose of 10mg before stopping completely - after just one month on it! Make of that what you will."

Click here to read more. XD

Neuroskeptic: Psychiatrist, Drug Thyself

And this caught my attention :

Jubal Early : You ever been shot?

Dr Simon Tam : No.

Jubal Early : You ought to be shot. Or stabbed. Lose a leg. To be a surgeon, you know? Know what kind of pain you're dealing with. They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don't make surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you? 

Hahaha! I know jobless. :P

My new luggage's gonna arrive tomorrow! Yay! 

I've confirmed my interview date with Birmingham University as well.

Everything is going as planned. Alhamdulilah. I hope stay macam ne. AMIN!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i love skype night with daddy and brother! :)

My strength.

Every each one of us mesti ada their own reason(s) why they carry on with their life and continue to do their best no matter what. As for me, MY FAMILY is my everything. They are my strength, one of my reason, why I am still standing here and continue to fight this ever challenging place. For them, I'll do anything. For them, I always give my best. 

Today I received and email from them. Dari Brunei. Opened them up using my blackberry tapi inda dapat liat. After school, when I got back, I opened it using my lappy and look what I found. They managed to touch me deep deep down. I cried. Bukan sad but happy. Jarang I cry for being happy. :) 

Daddy said, it's his idea to do so and I am glad he thought of it. I LOVE IT!

Daddy said : To boost up my confidence and to make me remember that, they will always be there for me. Thank you daddy, mummy, jikah, aboi, erah and wijah. :D 

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCHHHHHHH!!!!!

Here you go.. The drawings. I can't stop smiling staring at them. Seorang satu lagi tu. Hehehe. :P Biar tia corny or whatever wah, the most important thing is aku happy. Peduli apa. Ahhh... I miss home so much.........

From Daddy and mummy :

From my sister jikah : 

From my youngest sister wijah : (eeiiihhh cumilllll! XP)

Random one dorang buat :

From my sister Erah :

Another one from c cumillll! eeee I MISS YOU LIL ONE! :')

From my brother aboiiii :

Macam mana jua aku inda nangis? You tell me? When somehow, every single day it feels like as if aku punya confidence macam mikin decreasing. But now.... things have change. I am trying my best, InsyaAllah, not to let them down. 

I was so HAPPY in BIOLOGY today. :)

MONDAY IS JUST UNDENIABLY AMAZING!

I LOVE MONDAYS! :)))))))))))))))

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. My family, my strength. 

Another one away.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha everyone.

I don't know why pulang but today I feel so distant from home. Well andang pulang I am like what? thousands of miles away from home. XP But yeah, this feel worst than masa raya aidilfitri hari tu. Macam thinking that this is the fourth raya not being at home made me feel sedih. I called daddy tadi, you know what? Dorang kumpul at my uncle's house yang naik haji atu. *sigh* I miss those time. Kumpul ramai-ramai with cousins, uncles, aunts and most importantly my family! Entah ah, I think I really do miss those summer bonding moments with my siblings and my parents! Astaghafirullahalazim... Make me stronger ya Allah! 

Now kan, I always wonder why I didn't buy ticket balik winter awal-er? Kalau inda wah! Murah tu! Well I didn't expect that I'll be this homesick. But then recently, with the work load, I tend to macam zone out from the homesickness pulang. Well good thing lah tu. Eh apakan ne aku ane. Melarat again.....

Anyways... *see mood change sudah. I swear I'm PMS-ing! HAHA!!*

Received my A&E grades today. Ada big improvement arah my grades. I am so happy! :)

Macam I felt relieved when I saw the paper. Thank god improve macam I think masa I arrived at the beginning of the term aku banyak depressed and stressed out but now.. I AM FREE FROM THOSE STUFF. I am the new merah. Care-less. XD

Oh well. I am still the same old same old me but some things have change. I'd say change for the better. Tapi balik ke Brunei sama tia ku masih lah nanti. :P 

Bah eh... I am going off to lunch! Friday = fish & chips = sanak ku sudah nyamu~

To those in Brunei, enjoy your KAMBING AND KERABAU! XP

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA AGAINNNN~ :D

Short Update.

Ada one guy in the picture di atas ane... Mahirah suka. LOL! XD 

Really like the photo berabis sampai jadi my desktop background. HAHAHA!!

Just had my Biology ISA practicals and write up. Took up the whole day ah. HAHA! and as usual andang selalu macam gila-gila sikit this practical ah. Let me tell you why, the exam board kami atu kan selalu mesti ada the exact word wah in your answer kalau inda umm sorry nada markah. That's why selalu buruk the marks. For my practical tadi dapat 4 saja out of 7 so yeah. Let's wait for the write up macam mana nanti. :) There's always room for improvement nanti. *trying to think positive* HAHAHA!! That's so mahirah. NOT! 

So yeah...I've sent ucas and stuff. Got one conditional offer so far and an interview coming up next next week at Birmingham university. Still waiting reply for the other three. Process menunggu ane yang a bit menyeksakan pulang. Macam seksa sikit lah. BANYAK i mean. Macam when other people dapat offer you tend to get all, OMG! where's mine. Macam atu. But yeah, I've learnt to be more sabar now. ;)

So yeah... Half term was awesome and macam kamu baca my blog, earlier on this term I'm so stressed out, depressed and bla bla bla. But now aku macam dapat zone out sudah kadang-kadang. A bit manageable lah compared to before this. A good achievement. 

Tapi now ada a bit masalah pulang in house. Orang sebalah bilikku ane macam entah, kami inda jua serapat mana dulu but then now macam aku sekadar cakap hello bye saja and not cerita-cerita masuk bilik. You get me? Trying to macam space out lah. Inda mau get to attach and stuff sebab i swear goodbyes are not cool. So yeah. Tapi kan macam ia terasa and bla bla and now ia megumplin arah kawannya yang di sebarang laut yang dulu kawan ku ane kan. Now dorang in the process of buat semua orang sasak aku. Please lah ah, aku ane inda childish ne, i've grown up, part ucap ucap people arah status ane is so last year. HAHA! Nada ku respond tu nyamu banar. HAHAHAHA! So go change people's view lah. Inda ku care lagi. I've only got macam apa? Half a year left before aku inda jumpa dorang lagi? So yeah....

 

(mesti kamu wondering kenapa mesti semua bahasa melayu? sebab kawan yang jauh atu baca bah ne sebab ia penyibuk and then kan ia ane macam entah ah, hari atu kata swear inda mau baca blog ane lagi tapi sekarang ane.. hmm.. pikirnya aku inda tau kali yang ia baca. HAHA! such a dumb dumb. XD)

Bah okeh. Melarat sudah. LOL! Intention sebenarnya kan update on things saja. HAHA! Apakan.... 

OH CONGRATULATIONS TO MY FRIENDS DI BRUNEI FOR COMPLETING THEIR A LEVELS SUDAH! SEMOGA MAJU JAYA AND HAVE FUN WITH THE 9MONTHS CUTI! HAHAHAH! AND TO NABS AND PIJ AND FATIN AND JELL, WE SHALL HAVE ANOTHER "SUBAHANALLAH" MOMENT! XP

Replied tags sini okay :

Jell and Nabs : aku applied to soton, birm, cardiff, keele and uea. and no i think lagi siuk di uk dari di us. sini if ada bruneian sanang kamu kan adapt di uk sorang diri? inda cool eh. HAHA! Plus sat ane payah ah. :S and sini banyak jua concert. aku hari tu liat tegan & sara, awu kamu inda kenal but yeah siukkkk!!! and jell, NZ, macam sikit orang ah, i mean uni nya a bit jauh dari civilization i still think uk is just right. XD

Fifah : how i wish murah jua. inda papa tu. u have me my dear. we go enjoy!!! :PPPP

Doc Zak : HEYYYYY!! awuuu alum te text ahhhhh!! sebab very busy. demanding wah A2 ane. planning mau pegi masa this cuti pulang but i'm not sure if ur going to stay in newcastle? hehe. i'll text u when everything sini settle. veryyyy hectic schedule masa ne. xxxxxxxxxxx

Bah need to go dulu.

GiukBuluMerah 

<333333333333

ps. inda, saya sudah besar and aku inda mau balas tu. apa pun rancangan kamu, go ahead. merah don't care. XD

New Moon

I went to watch the premier of New Moon right after school yesterday. Along with Tiqa, Fazleen and Nadia. Indeed it was the best movie ever. Baru jua a few scenes, I managed to get tears rolling down my cheek. Palui. HAHAH! But nyehh. It was awesome! Queueing panjang-panjang, running for the bus and getting the ticket. Worth it! Melting moments pun ada ane wah! HAHAHAH!! Jarang tu for c merah. XP

And obviously Mahirah is soooo in love with Jacob. As well as the other werewolves!! Lawa hot! The conclusion is that, dorang macam melayu yatah kami attracted. After all, hot, blonde guys yang pucat pucat atu inda jua that attractive to malay girls! HAHAHAH!! 

Oh well... Just wanna let out the excitement. XD

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. will update you guys soon and will reply to the tag on the next post okay? sorry kamuuuu, i am not "mengabaikan" kamu. I am just.... procrastinating. 

xoxoxoxo. XP

Hectic.

went to Loughbrough with Wana and Annemarie to visit Dayang. XD 

Two shots from the tonnes of pictures taken. :P

In Dayang's room. Thanks for the tour Dayang! x

Visited the seniors at Imperial College London.

Syaz and Kimah. Love them! XD

And finally, meet the girls, whom i've spent the whole halfterm with. 

We shall have more fun soon babehhhssss.. XD

Omg! It has been ages since I last blogged rupanya. Lots of changes happened. Lots of things has been going on lately. So nyehhh.... haven't got the time to blog. 

Had my half term. It was absolutely the best half term ever! 

Likeeeee.. I went crazy half of the time I was in London. London always gives me crazy idea anyways. :) But honestly, from the bottom of my heart, without friends and those you love around you, your time will just be as dull as you can possibly imagine.

My half term, mestilah spent with those AWESOME people! :p Thanks guys for actually letting me out of the cage. I can smile now and be me. Like I don't have to worry and update myself on other things. Not that you guys know that. But yeahhhhh! Thanks!!

The girlsssss that I spent my halfterm with. Even though we didn't plan anything, I am glad that the half term went well. Expect me in december! 

*this is an overdue saved post. just for an update. will update again soon. Lots of things sudah happened. x

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333 

:)

At least...

For now...

I can take a deep breath! 

You know why?

Cause I sent my UCAS application to Mrs. Kitto today.

Now I am just waiting for her to call me. 

Doa tah ne banyak banyak so that dapat semua offer and everything berjalan dengan lancar. AMIN! :)

About you? Me? I won't say that I don't care. I do! I do care but now, hmm.. not the main priority. My friends, they opened my eyes. My world shouldn't be revolving in the past, it needs to move on too and that's what I am trying to do. May god be on my side. 

Oh good luck to my friends in Brunei with their UCAS application as well. Oh and the most important one ne...

GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR EXAMSSSS!!!!! :) We'll get through this together. 

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i'll just keep quiet... you can do whatever you want to now. :)

Tired.

I am mentally exhausted.

Physically tired.

Homesick is not helping.

Missing the star isn't easy either.

Personal statement is not making it easier.

This term is harder than expected.

Have I moved on?

Took two steps forward at start of term.

Took another one eight days ago.

But moved back three steps beginning of the week.

Tell me where I am now!

Can't seem to stop crying.

Addicted to mika's song, happy ending. 

Not so happy really.

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. can we start from scratch? from strangers back to friend? i hate losing! you know that. god what have i done? 

What the?!?!?!?!

HERE WE GO AGAIN GUYS!

(the emotional breakdown is on it's way after being cured for a weekend. god loves me too much! the question is.. am I that strong to get over this once again?) 

I FEEL SO..... 

IT'S HARD WHEN DISTANCE IS THE PROBLEM!

IT'S HARD WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE HOW TO SOLVE IT!

IT'S HARD WHEN YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF IT!

IT'S HARD WHEN YOU REALISED THAT YOU'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!

IT'S HARDER WHEN YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT TO YOURSELF ONLY!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. you thought i was lying? you thought i didn't care for you? you thought what i've done is all crap? all you can think about is assuming that i am the bad one here? think again! goshhhh!

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!

Feeling awful? Depressed?Confused? 

YOU TELL ME!!!

I am stressed out!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i have to do it cause if i don't i'll never get you out of my mind and most importantly my heart. i am sorry. you did the right thing and you know what? i didn't know you were a silent reader of this blog of mine. otherwise i would have gone to a different place to let out everything cause now, it is the only place i can go to. more sad than you think it is.  

Liar?

Things happened for a reason. Some of which you might not know and some of which you might have expected. The last few days weren't the worst day of my life but it surely wasn't the best day of my life either. 

Taken from a visit to Hertfordshire

Autumn has arrived.  Dear Mr. Sun will be covered by the clouds almost all the time. Here come the gloomy days. Somehow reflects what I am feeling right now. Down and scared.

To be honest. I am not happy nor am I THAT sad. I feel so empty or shall I say lonely. I am scared or perhaps I am just ignoring reality. God help me. I am seriously confused. I don't know what I am feeling. I'm like standing in the middle of thousands of people but somehow I felt like as if I am the only one there. 

Queenswood School's ground.

I AM HAVING A BATTLE WITH HOMESICKNESS!!

Not to forget trying to get all those missing jigsaw puzzles back into place.

Ohhh and getting the heart pieces back!

No sign of me winning just yet. Let's pray I'll win these battle and get it over.

The battle is still on and I will not wave that white flag.

Eh apakan? haha!

I will not let go. I'll continue to move on.

(Queenswood playground)

I'll jump as high as I could. Higher than the stars so that when I fall, they'll be catching me. 

Ahhh I miss polaris, my one and only northern star. I'll never forget you and what we've been through. Although it seemed to be pretty obvious we both moved on. I admit sometimes, I missed those days and I think about you all the time. Stupid me? :/

Exeat was great. Got my mind off things like work and personal statement etc. I swear it wasn't easy to just let go of those two but I managed to. Now work is starting to pile up when I focused on one thing. I need to multi-task. I can do it but just can't be bothered. HAHA!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i went to the places where we used to go, that last few weeks. remember? i went to almost all of the places already. it wasn't the best feeling i've ever felt but i got through it. although i think it was not a good idea to do so. but hey i faced reality not ran away from it! you don't run away every time you make a mistake. you stay and solve it or at least do something about it. 

SATISFYING!

I AM HAPPY AND I AM SATISFIED! :)))

(eh don't get me wrong eh! nothing to do with yellowy stuff! haha!!)

Do you feel happy when you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Literally. When you see there's hope? The picture above was taken 2years ago. I still remember that day, we had assembly in the auditorium and I still remember how I felt that time. I was lost and not long ago I found myself and now I am lost again. 

Tell me what give you satisfaction? 

What satisfaction means to you?

Satisfaction for me is quite simple - to put a smile on one's face and make them happy.

But then I realised that doesn't give me satisfaction anymore cause I've learnt this horrible thing called expectation! When you give too much, you expect a lot in return as well. Yeah, that kind of thing!

So since summer, I've tried to...well not torture, but let myself feel pain by less giving and less taking. I let my body feel pain. Remember treadmill addiction? That was part of it. Sad? Screw it. But then, no matter how much my legs hurt, how I got really dehydrated. I don't actually feel the pain! I guess there are some pain that is way too painful then the cramped legs! No one knows except for me of course. 

Today, I felt the pain. But this time it was different. It was the kind of pain that goes with satisfaction! I forgot how I felt before when I was once very enthusiastic about this. I forgot how much a good stress reliever it was before and now that I started again. It felt sooooo gooooooodddddd!! This is way to cool to give up. 

I WON'T GIVE THIS ONE UP. NOT FOR ANYONE AT LEAST!

Tomorrow is exeat. Going to be busy this exeat! Oh guess what, I'm going to those places again. Welcome memories! Oh and god, PS is trying to kill me!!! =.=

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i don't know how long it takes for me to forget about everything. i guess it didn't take you long. summer fling eyy? hah! i am now in the process of getting those pieces into place but somehow i can't find them anywhere! i'm sorry i break the promise. oh really did i? it doesn't really matter anymore anyway cause you ignored me. you bad friend. oops! do you even consider me as your friend? i wonder.....

Too much.

What if I said I miss you?

I know you don't even care. Not a slightest chance you even thought of it.

Everything I do reminds me of you.

Zainab came to school today. Visiting us and of course the school. :P

We asked her a question....

"Do you miss Headington?"

She replied, ".....I don't really know. Now that I've started uni and all the fun stuff, I don't think I am going to miss Headington that much...."

I think it is a fact.

What makes you miss something or someone is because of the thought of changes. Your routine, your environment, your social circle. Things you are well adapted to are about to change. You'll create the feeling of emptiness inside you. Memories especially, play a major role in this whole I MISS YOU SO MUCH/I AM GOING TO MISS YOU feeling.

But believe me, once you started to feel comfortable and gain the trust in the new environment, every single day that passes by, you'll start to NOT MISS and until finally there's no such thing as I MISS YOU SO MUCH anymore. 

It sucks when the one who is leaving is not you cause in that case, it'll be a totally different story.

Therefore, the conclusion is...  you can miss someone if you are not the one who is leaving.

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i want to talk to you like we used to. i miss those days. i get really sad every time i remembered that there's now a gap between us and how you are still okay with the others but not me. i swear promises can be broken as quickly as they are made especially those made by you or would it be better if i say us?