:)

At least...

For now...

I can take a deep breath! 

You know why?

Cause I sent my UCAS application to Mrs. Kitto today.

Now I am just waiting for her to call me. 

Doa tah ne banyak banyak so that dapat semua offer and everything berjalan dengan lancar. AMIN! :)

About you? Me? I won't say that I don't care. I do! I do care but now, hmm.. not the main priority. My friends, they opened my eyes. My world shouldn't be revolving in the past, it needs to move on too and that's what I am trying to do. May god be on my side. 

Oh good luck to my friends in Brunei with their UCAS application as well. Oh and the most important one ne...

GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR EXAMSSSS!!!!! :) We'll get through this together. 

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i'll just keep quiet... you can do whatever you want to now. :)

Tired.

I am mentally exhausted.

Physically tired.

Homesick is not helping.

Missing the star isn't easy either.

Personal statement is not making it easier.

This term is harder than expected.

Have I moved on?

Took two steps forward at start of term.

Took another one eight days ago.

But moved back three steps beginning of the week.

Tell me where I am now!

Can't seem to stop crying.

Addicted to mika's song, happy ending. 

Not so happy really.

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. can we start from scratch? from strangers back to friend? i hate losing! you know that. god what have i done? 

What the?!?!?!?!

HERE WE GO AGAIN GUYS!

(the emotional breakdown is on it's way after being cured for a weekend. god loves me too much! the question is.. am I that strong to get over this once again?) 

I FEEL SO..... 

IT'S HARD WHEN DISTANCE IS THE PROBLEM!

IT'S HARD WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE HOW TO SOLVE IT!

IT'S HARD WHEN YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF IT!

IT'S HARD WHEN YOU REALISED THAT YOU'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!

IT'S HARDER WHEN YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT TO YOURSELF ONLY!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. you thought i was lying? you thought i didn't care for you? you thought what i've done is all crap? all you can think about is assuming that i am the bad one here? think again! goshhhh!

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!

Feeling awful? Depressed?Confused? 

YOU TELL ME!!!

I am stressed out!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i have to do it cause if i don't i'll never get you out of my mind and most importantly my heart. i am sorry. you did the right thing and you know what? i didn't know you were a silent reader of this blog of mine. otherwise i would have gone to a different place to let out everything cause now, it is the only place i can go to. more sad than you think it is.  

Liar?

Things happened for a reason. Some of which you might not know and some of which you might have expected. The last few days weren't the worst day of my life but it surely wasn't the best day of my life either. 

Taken from a visit to Hertfordshire

Autumn has arrived.  Dear Mr. Sun will be covered by the clouds almost all the time. Here come the gloomy days. Somehow reflects what I am feeling right now. Down and scared.

To be honest. I am not happy nor am I THAT sad. I feel so empty or shall I say lonely. I am scared or perhaps I am just ignoring reality. God help me. I am seriously confused. I don't know what I am feeling. I'm like standing in the middle of thousands of people but somehow I felt like as if I am the only one there. 

Queenswood School's ground.

I AM HAVING A BATTLE WITH HOMESICKNESS!!

Not to forget trying to get all those missing jigsaw puzzles back into place.

Ohhh and getting the heart pieces back!

No sign of me winning just yet. Let's pray I'll win these battle and get it over.

The battle is still on and I will not wave that white flag.

Eh apakan? haha!

I will not let go. I'll continue to move on.

(Queenswood playground)

I'll jump as high as I could. Higher than the stars so that when I fall, they'll be catching me. 

Ahhh I miss polaris, my one and only northern star. I'll never forget you and what we've been through. Although it seemed to be pretty obvious we both moved on. I admit sometimes, I missed those days and I think about you all the time. Stupid me? :/

Exeat was great. Got my mind off things like work and personal statement etc. I swear it wasn't easy to just let go of those two but I managed to. Now work is starting to pile up when I focused on one thing. I need to multi-task. I can do it but just can't be bothered. HAHA!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i went to the places where we used to go, that last few weeks. remember? i went to almost all of the places already. it wasn't the best feeling i've ever felt but i got through it. although i think it was not a good idea to do so. but hey i faced reality not ran away from it! you don't run away every time you make a mistake. you stay and solve it or at least do something about it. 

SATISFYING!

I AM HAPPY AND I AM SATISFIED! :)))

(eh don't get me wrong eh! nothing to do with yellowy stuff! haha!!)

Do you feel happy when you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Literally. When you see there's hope? The picture above was taken 2years ago. I still remember that day, we had assembly in the auditorium and I still remember how I felt that time. I was lost and not long ago I found myself and now I am lost again. 

Tell me what give you satisfaction? 

What satisfaction means to you?

Satisfaction for me is quite simple - to put a smile on one's face and make them happy.

But then I realised that doesn't give me satisfaction anymore cause I've learnt this horrible thing called expectation! When you give too much, you expect a lot in return as well. Yeah, that kind of thing!

So since summer, I've tried to...well not torture, but let myself feel pain by less giving and less taking. I let my body feel pain. Remember treadmill addiction? That was part of it. Sad? Screw it. But then, no matter how much my legs hurt, how I got really dehydrated. I don't actually feel the pain! I guess there are some pain that is way too painful then the cramped legs! No one knows except for me of course. 

Today, I felt the pain. But this time it was different. It was the kind of pain that goes with satisfaction! I forgot how I felt before when I was once very enthusiastic about this. I forgot how much a good stress reliever it was before and now that I started again. It felt sooooo gooooooodddddd!! This is way to cool to give up. 

I WON'T GIVE THIS ONE UP. NOT FOR ANYONE AT LEAST!

Tomorrow is exeat. Going to be busy this exeat! Oh guess what, I'm going to those places again. Welcome memories! Oh and god, PS is trying to kill me!!! =.=

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i don't know how long it takes for me to forget about everything. i guess it didn't take you long. summer fling eyy? hah! i am now in the process of getting those pieces into place but somehow i can't find them anywhere! i'm sorry i break the promise. oh really did i? it doesn't really matter anymore anyway cause you ignored me. you bad friend. oops! do you even consider me as your friend? i wonder.....

Too much.

What if I said I miss you?

I know you don't even care. Not a slightest chance you even thought of it.

Everything I do reminds me of you.

Zainab came to school today. Visiting us and of course the school. :P

We asked her a question....

"Do you miss Headington?"

She replied, ".....I don't really know. Now that I've started uni and all the fun stuff, I don't think I am going to miss Headington that much...."

I think it is a fact.

What makes you miss something or someone is because of the thought of changes. Your routine, your environment, your social circle. Things you are well adapted to are about to change. You'll create the feeling of emptiness inside you. Memories especially, play a major role in this whole I MISS YOU SO MUCH/I AM GOING TO MISS YOU feeling.

But believe me, once you started to feel comfortable and gain the trust in the new environment, every single day that passes by, you'll start to NOT MISS and until finally there's no such thing as I MISS YOU SO MUCH anymore. 

It sucks when the one who is leaving is not you cause in that case, it'll be a totally different story.

Therefore, the conclusion is...  you can miss someone if you are not the one who is leaving.

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i want to talk to you like we used to. i miss those days. i get really sad every time i remembered that there's now a gap between us and how you are still okay with the others but not me. i swear promises can be broken as quickly as they are made especially those made by you or would it be better if i say us?

The thing.

I let you in with no doubt.

I let you go with doubts.

I am scared.

I don't want to keep on losing stuff. 

I am angry at myself. How pathetic am I?

I can't seem to let it go. You've been stuck there for quite some time now. 

The only way that is working right now is to make myself hate you.

I cried thinking of it. I am not that kind of person. I am not!

Ahh I really do miss B so much. I miss the peace I had.

So I've decided to keep myself busy most of the time. 

Helped a lot! 

I removed "the thing" on the table cause every time I look at it, I lost a piece of the jigsaw puzzle. Now that "the thing" is not there, I've found some of the missing pieces. It'll take me a while to get them all back but I'm pretty sure I'll get there. It is just a matter of time now. A matter of time....

Confusing much if you don't know what lies behind all those?

Let it be. Just read or you can leave. 

I let you decide. I am tired of making decisions.

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. when you think you've got everything, think twice okay? karma sometimes like to take its own time on this kind of stuff. i am pretty sure you'll experience it too. i hope not as bad as mine though cause i am sure you'll not pull through as you need others in order to discover yourself! think twice my dear.

Holding on.

How long can I last?

I don't know the answer to that. I think it is just a matter of time before I go crazier. Probably tomorrow or later or even now? I am feeling effing sick of this whole situation. I tried so hard to forget but things often remind me of it. Most of the time I'll be listening to those songs that would make me feel better. Forget it and let go. For a sec, I thought, yes, I am over it! Unfortunately, I feel like shit every time I realised that I am forcing myself to believe things that aren't true. You get me? Maybe not. It's complicated. You shall see more of this kind of post over the next few weeks, or shall I be a pessimist and say months? We'll see.

One question.

Do I look like a hongkongers to you guys?

NO! I don't even look chinese to start with.

But then there's this girl in my house, that keeps on talking in cantonese to me!

Although I kept on replying back in English, not that I have any idea what she was talking about but nyeeehhhhhhhhhh!!!

I am BRUNEIAN! Bet she doesn't even know where Brunei is. GOSHHHHH!!

Can't wait for international evening and tell her where BRUNEI is!

Ohh guess what, as if it makes me feel better, another girl said I am from Malaysia or even better I am from the philippines!

Sudah tah di Heathrow hari tu kana bawa cakap philippines!

INDA CALI!!!!!!!!!!!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. you, you don't have to act like that towards me cause you know i am okay with the fact that you've got something to play with now. remember the promise? i'll let you go if you find what you're actually looking for? i hope you remember. i told you i keep my promises. 

:)

1. The Bruneians in Headington. 

4 Juniors, starting from the right.

The rest, THE AWESOME SENIORS!

Pagi second day raya. 

Sixth form centre - 5 minutes to class.

Hehehehehehehe!!

2. Emily Wong, the next door neighbour. :) 

3. Tikki Majigy - The ex-roomie!

4. Malam first day raya.

Had this Hillstow open house.

Created an environment macam open house in Brunei. Tried to do our very best. Cooked and songs as well. :D I love every single of them in this picture. Thanks guys for the awesome night! Despite me and most of us, being homesick!! <3>

SELAMAT HARI RAYA TO ALL MUSLIMS!!

MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN!!!

TO MY FAMILY, I'M SORRY THAT I COULDN'T SPEND RAYA WITH YOU GUYS THIS YEAR, INSYAALLAH NEXT YEAR. 

To dearest blog readers, thanks for stopping by,

forgive me for all my wrongdoings and 

Happy eid mubarak!!! :P

I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. it'd be more awesome if you're around but i see you find something new to play with now, i am not needed anymore, not even appreciated as someone who used to be by your side. i am sad, but i know there's nothing i can do anyway. all the things you said is bullshit.

Time consuming. :P

A day to go or possibly two more days to raya! 

I am so looking forward for "malam raya" 

Another tradition, takbir sama-sama. Awhhhhh!

Gawd me like. I can't wait for the big makan. Ketupat, rendang, etc. :)

All I can think about right now is food! Okay I think I am just PMS-ing that's why I am talking about food food food! 

I've been spending the last two days sniffing and coughing!

Last night naik sikit temperature but then thank god ada acti-fast panadol so yeahh.

A lot better today. Alhamdulilah. :D

The title of this post, INSPIRED BY NAJMAH! :P

Just got this urge to post something but I ended up typing crap. HAHA!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i got tired listening to the same song over & over again but everytime i listen to it i'll cry or at least one drop of tears ada. i miss you. godddddddddddd!! :(

Consideration.

I let you go

I didn't dare to look away though

I was there all along watching your back

without you realising there was a crack

your dream finally do come true

or was it something that you've ever wish for

since the day met?

now that you know there is a BIG HUMONGOUS GAP 

or shall I call it distance to be exact

I bet you're happy and satisfied with what we had

I am too, don't get me wrong

I wish you well

well I hope you are

whatever it is you know I'll be here

cause I am a person of words

of whom try her very best not to break promises

unlike you or wait maybe there wasn't any

all of which was only a white lie 

to put me in this misery 

let time heal me

I WISH TIGGER CAN TALK

IF HE COULD

HE'D PROBABLY BE TALKING TO ME 

EVERY SINGLE NIGHT

CAUSE HE'S THERE

ALWAYS THERE

IN MY ARMS

CAUSE I AM SAD

I THINK HE IS YOU!

GiukBuluMerah 

<333333333333

ps. when you open it, there will be no surprises. 

pps. MUMMY DADDY AND THE SIBLINGS.. I MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH!! :'(

I guess so.

Last night, it was when I came to think about it. Had a talk with a friend of mine.

She said, "Although she is far away from us, it feels like as if she never left. She is like everywhere!" 

I laughed and nodded hiding my own feelings. I don't know what to say. I knew that, I am not the only one who felt this way. It is not wrong to miss you. As a friend, I dearly miss you. But you wouldn't understand anyway. Left feeling hopeless every time. Felt like no one cares.

Oh well...

I have moved on. I have no intention to be stuck in the past. 

I just hate the fact that I get attached to someone easily and for that my new resolution is not to get attached to anyone and try to get rid of the emotions. So that means, less crying. But I failed to do so as I cried for hours during the weekend. Gahhh~

It is just that we really do miss her presence around. I swear I am not the only one.

That proved it now. 

I am done.  

Homesick is seriously not helping! 

Don't know why I

 am feeling so though!

But I am grateful for the fact that the 8 of us here in Headington is now closer and we had lots of bonding time together. Hoping that this will prolong and making our last year in Headington more memorable! Looking forward for the international night guys! :)

5MORE NIGHTS OF SAHUR!

5MORE SUNGKAI!

5DAYS TILL HARI RAYA!

GiukBuluMerah

<33333333333

ps. is it only me or is it true that you're trying to ignore me and making me hate you? if what i am feeling is true. let me tell you, it is so not working. :)

You got me!

Me. Wearing a skirt. Bila lagi masanya kamu pernah liat nah? HAHAHAHAHHA!! It was cold and how on earth would they expect me to wear a dress for christmas dinner? HAHA! Inda tah payah kali eh..... LOL!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disappointment, there.. I said enough.

Don't you guys agree with me that we are a bit childish at times?

I just hate it every single time it happens!

Today, another emotional breakdown!

Cried for hours, thanks to Emily for just being there and Aisah for going out with me. 

Love you guys. Don't know what to do if you guys are not around. You guys helped me lots despite not knowing what happened. Thanks guys! :) Appreciate it.

Today started slow. 

It was quite, horrendous in the middle.

Sungkai with the BruHeads in Napier was awesome! 

Chit Chat at night with the hillstow girls rock!

Nice ending.

Can now sleep though I haven't read bio yet. Shall do that masa sahur and now. hehehe!

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. i can't deny it, i miss you so much and i am not afraid to let others know. :(

Sedih?

Yesterday was the first day back to school. It feels good to be back I guess. Although part of me is really really scared of everything. It was so scary when my tutor started talking about ucas application, predicted grades, a level exams and so on. How we should make a wise decision on choosing the right universitiy! God! 

Tbh, I found myself feeling a bit down yesterday. No matter how much I tried to cheer up myself, I still ended up feeling ........ Ahhhhhh~ Part of it was cause of the jetlag I guess. But yeah, today, feeling better already. Oh well, as I've said during the summer, I don't think I'll be celebrating my 18th when the time actually comes. It was the slowest day ever yesterday! I kept on looking at my watch for the time. Every second felt like ages! But then got through it.

I guess, I didn't really feel much being 18. 

It is just the same like any other day I guess. LOL!

Ohh and my DIANA MINI! I got it on the first day back and it is awesome! Although I did mess up one film but then finished one roll of film in the morning in school. Can't wait to send it to snappy photos to be processed!

THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THE BIRTHDAY GREETINGS AND PRESENTS OF COURSE! :D LOVE YOU ALL!

OHH AND KARANG MALAM MAIN NUR KASIH! I CAN ONLY WATCH IT ON PORTAL PROBABLY 8HOURS LATER!! GAH!! FRUSTRATIONNNNN... :/

GiukBuluMerah

<333333333333

ps. smell just like you! how am i supposed to forget? oh wait, i don't want to forget. you'll always be part of the book i named life.